1-5-11 You asked for loving God

When Christianity says that God loves man, it means that God loves man: not that He has some disinterested (because really indifferent) concern for our welfare, but that, in awful and surprising truth, we are the objects of His love.

You asked for a loving God: you have one.

The great spirit you so lightly invoked, the 'lord of terrible aspect' is present: not a senile benevolence that drowsily wishes you to be happy in your own way, not the cold philanthropy of a conscientious magistrate, nor the care of a host who feels responsible for the comfort of his guests, but the consuming fire Himself, the Love that made the worlds, persistent as the artist's love for his work and despotic as a man's love for a dog, provident and venerable as a father's love for a child, jealous, inexorable, exacting as love between the sexes.

How this should be, I do not know: it passes reason to explain why any creatures, not to say creatures such as we, should have a value so prodigious in their Creator's eyes. It is certainly a burden of glory not only beyond our deserts but also, except in rare moments of grace, beyond our desiring.

(41) C.S Lewis' The Problem of Pain

1-4-11 It's a Thing with Me

"It's just a thing with me" is a saying around our house, when trying to explain why something is important to one of us when the rest of us could care less. Since we practice as much tolerance as four very strong personalities can muster, this is usually the signal to for everyone to back off and just let it be.

Of course, of the four of us, I have the most "things" (no surprise) and one of the biggest is my aversion to fluorescent light. When I worked at the office, I avoided it as much as possible in a large shared space lit exclusively with them. I brought in my own floor lamps, desk lamps, pulled the blinds wide open the second I got to work and was ahead of everyone else by at least an hour during which the lights stayed off. When I move to working from home, I could finally ditch the buzzing, glaring things behind.

Except for the kitchen.

Well, except for the kitchen when Bob is home. This is one of those things we just have to agree to disagree about. But, c'mon, who in their right mind would choose the glaring kitchen on the right?

So in an effort to keep them off as much as possible, here's my scientific argument:

That constant buzzing? Microwave radiation. The glare? Imbalance in the frequencies (as opposed to full spectrum light). Rats exposed to this cold light for one month went blind. All the way back to 1973 they've been proving that these lights have an adverse effect on students. Symptoms associated with prolonged exposure include migraine triggers, anxiety, mood swings, and irritability. Now I ask you, who wants an anxious, irritable, moody mom in the kitchen?

1-4-11 Tools

I need all the help I can get.

This thought reoccurred to me as I was finishing my last lap on the track this morning and realized I had no idea how many laps I actually did. Since I spent the larger portion of the time on weight training, I was guessing, maybe I'd done a mile ? There's just too many people to watch and thoughts to think to keep up with counting laps, dagnabit. I'm thinking the pedometer might help, if I can keep focused long enough to see exactly how many steps I'm taking on the first lap. Really, at 5:00 in the morning I am that scattered and dreamy that it will take a lot of effort to just look down at the one lap mark. But I have found the a cheap but reliable pedometer is a pretty handy tool to use just to remind me to keep moving.

One of my favorite, almost can't do without it, tools is my iPod. Nothing keeps me going like my own workout playlist. And I love guessing just what other people are listening to as we lap one another, sometimes with an occasional nod, but mostly just lost in our own little worlds. At the moment my hour-long, admittedly schizophrenic, list includes, among others, Stevie Wonder's "Superstition", Carlos Santana's "Corazon Espinado" , Heart's "Crazy on You" , the Peas' "Boom Boom Pow" , Jet's "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" and Marc Broussard's "Save Me." Part of the fun is changing it up every week. It keeps the boring old track from being entirely maddening.

For tracking progress, I can't recommend Sparkpeople.com enough. It's an endless resource for all things healthy. I log all of my food and water intake daily and let it generate a report at the end of the day to see where I can improve. I can also log my exercise to calculate calories burned. And on those rare days where the roads to the gym are too icy, there are literally hundreds of 10 minute workout videos to choose from. The discussion and message boards are an area I never got into, but some people find a fantastic support system there and join teams to set goals and track progress. Want recipes? They've got you covered. There are blogs and articles published daily on every kind of health topic and motivational focus you can imagine. And it's entirely, completely, 100% free. Check them out when you have the chance.

I'll admit, I'm entranced by the current glut of commercials capitalizing on everyone's current wish fantasy of losing weight without work (or with a short finite period of ridiculous work). Don't fall for it. Yes, the before and after pictures of people who got on an expensive food program and "never had to work out!" are impressive. So are the contestants at the end of the Biggest Loser, who exercise 8 hours a day. But it doesn't last. You aren't going to live at the Biggest Loser Ranch the rest of your life sweating all day with a personal trainer telling you exactly what to do , or pay for prepackaged meals until you're in the nursing home, and that's the only way any of these things will stand the test of time. Same with eating only protein, or only grapefruit, or zero sugar. If you can't make the changes for the rest of your life, it's not going to stand the test of time.

Nothing but a daily commitment (recommitted every morning in the mirror, aloud if need be) to be balanced, healthy, and happy is going to get me where I want to be and help me stay there. Find the tools that help you work out what the balance means to you. They don't have to be expensive or onerous (and the good ones never will).

Today, I resolve to remember this simple fact: I (and YOU) are worth fighting for.

1.3.11 Motivation

2010 was not a banner year on the weight loss front. Late 2008 through most of 2009 was the highlight of my weight loss journey, dropping 75 pounds from my heaviest. I never got all the way home to my goal weight, but the difference was striking:

Let's just point out here the obvious -- this is the best comparison you're going to get. Pillsbury Dough Tori did not wear much of anything that wasn't big and flowy because camp tents completely conceal how big you really are. . . right?

What it finally took to get there was the tipping of the pain-to-comfort ratio: moving to Colorado put me in a place where the large majority of the population is active and I wanted to join in but was too big and out of shape to be able to. Getting past the embarrassment of being the biggest woman at the gym was one of the many hurdles I had to move past to be able to get where I am today. But I was willing to do it, because not doing it was more painful.

I was thinking about that this morning at 5:00 a.m. when I was briskly getting myself into the gym in the freezing cold. It's so much easier now. And there's the danger. I need to lose more weight but somehow, now that I've done it, it's one of those easy, get-around-to-it ideas that can be pushed aside when the mood doesn't suit me.

But the harsh reality is that the longer it goes, the harder it's going to get. And resolving to do something about it really isn't enough. What it will take is determination: that moment where I step out on the ledge and lock the window behind me. Because I can absolutely guarantee you that if I will not allow failure as an option, I will not fail. I might fall and stumble, but I will get up and keep going because if I do not give up, I am not going to fail.

The basic truth is this: I know what it takes, I know how to get there, and I know if I am determined to commit myself to counting the calories and expending more of them in motion than I consume, I will get to where I want to be.

Here then is a touch of motivation, mostly for me, but feel free to take a slice:

1. Write down your goals and post them to see every day. Be specific and break them down into simple categories: I will get up at 5:00 a.m. every morning and spend at least half an hour in the gym. I will track everything I put into my body fairly and accurately. I will drink 8 glasses of water a day.

2. Put the most unflattering pictures of yourself out where you will be reminded all the time of why you are taking this journey.

3. Be accountable to multiple people who will make up your support system. The more folks you let keep tabs on you, the more you want to be accountable to yourself.

4. Love yourself right now, exactly where you are. Keep the things that inspire you just as visible to you as those unflattering pictures. You are beautiful, regardless of how big you feel.

5. Accept the stumbles are part of your journey, pick yourself up, confide in someone, have a good cry, and then get back out there with your chin up.

What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?

It's waiting for you. Get past the comfort danger, the "I can always start tomorrow" attitude, and see what 2011 has in store for you.

1-3-11 Happy Birthday Muna Mask

As one of the faithful readers of this blog, I have to give a big shout out to one of my biggest supporters: Happy Birthday Muna!

I hope your day is filled with laughter, love, and celebration of the amazing woman you are. There is no way to count the number of lives you have touched with your sweet spirit, from decades of 4 year olds who learned their ABCs and numbers with Mrs. Mask in daycare, to the little ones you serenaded in Sunday School, and especially to your own children and grandchilren.

We love you more than we can say. Her children arise and call her blessed . . .

1-2-11 Quiet Sunday

I can't quite put my finger on why this picture delights me so. It's some combination of Evan's bright eyes, perky ears, and Katy's profile combined with their powdered noses. It should be an album cover. Anyway, today was more playing in the snow as we haven't had temps get above freezing since Thursday.

The final day of winter break has been pretty quiet around the Mask house, with Bob heading out to Phoenix and Nick gone half the day at a friend's house, Sammi and I braved the Walmart return line and did the weekly shopping, taking extra long as we balanced calories, portions, and the distinct possibility we will be very sick of chicken dishes before the end of the month.

And while Nick settled in to watch the Broncos game, we got our hair did. Sammi actually went for a much shorter cut -- close to 6 inches were on the floor when it was all said and done and it looks fantastic, but she's making me wait until tomorrow to take a picture when it's "all fixed."

I love that she just printed off a picture, plopped in the chair, and let her hair dresser just cut away. The last time I saw Zeke, who did my hair from the age of 12-20, he was getting ready to retire and told me, in all his years, I was the only girl to ever show up with hair well past my shoulders only to tell him to chop it all off on the day of my senior prom. I'm not sure why is the a badge of honor, but it feels like one. I'm gratified to know my daughter is cultivating that same fearless streak.

1-1-11

We ushered in the New Year by seeing off Bob and Nell as they headed back to Texas. The temps were still hovering below zero as we headed out for a farewell breakfast.

My fantastic kids are such troopers. They were both up to ring in the New Year and still cheerfully (well, as cheerfully as could possibly be expected) got up for an early breakfast. The hot chocolate with whipped cream might have helped.

But I did love the fact that we watched Nick put away three strawberry crepes with hash browns in his quest to bulk up for college football. Between weight lifting and consuming two protein shakes a day (1000 calories each) with an average of four big meals, he's put in just over five pounds in five days. He's stuck in a house where the other three members want to cut their calories at meals, so this coming New Year will be an interesting one.

As the New Year sets out, my own resolutions include finally shedding the last of the overweightness I've been lugging about and toning up. Luckily I haven't left the gym for too long and can still be enough of a regular to despair about how busy the gym will be for the next six weeks with all the other weight loss resolutionists.

And then there is this blog. Like most bloggers, I often find myself in lazy ruts and supposedly despairing at the long droughts of inspiration. But the reality is I find myself inspired by random and odd moments throughout every day. So, partly in order to remind myself of how amazing even the ordinary days really can be, and partly because I enjoy it, I am resolving to post something (and on some days it might truly be anything) once each day for the next 365 days.

Let the random inspiration begin!