I miss the weight of him, leaning into me, staring up for a nose-to-nose puppy kiss. And yes, I miss those adoring eyes looking back. I hope he felt the adoration in my eyes as much as I did in his.

 

 

 

 

 

 missing my puppy hugs and kisses more every day.

Yesterday was rough. I mean, sobbing, exhausted, I-thought-this-was-supposed-to-get-better rough. A combination of small things, really. Nothing I could point to and say, "This is why I feel like I'm back to square one." Just a million different reminders that came in a way to make the weight heavier than I was ready for, in the middle of a week, 19 days after he died. It caught me by surprise. Just the day before I'd been feeling lighter and more hopeful.

I went to bed remembering this:

For in grief nothing "stays put." One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it? How often -- will it be for always? -- how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, "I never realized my loss till this moment"? The same leg is cut off time after time. ~C.S.

But I woke up this morning with this, just the last half of Desiderata, ringing in my ears.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself. 

You are a child of the universe,

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. 

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be,

and whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul. 

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy. 

And so I shall.